Doubt

After several requests from Matthew, I took him to school on his last day of the year. I helped him deliver some gifts I'd put together for his well-deserving teachers and got him set for the day. Fortunately I ran into his teacher in the hall and had a chance to thank her for the wonderful work she's done this year. Matthew is quite the challenge, both at home and at school, and I'm grateful for her compassion and experience. She will be missed.

As it was our last day of "freedom" as parents, JH and I took it a bit easy this morning while Matthew was gone. Colson was fun to be with, and it was nice to just enjoy being together without all the conflict. The most challenging thing we have to contend with in Colson is figuring out how to feed him-- he doesn't want baby food anymore, and most "regular" food doesn't suit him either. It's a wonder he doesn't shrivel away!

Around lunch I had some errands to run, and while I was out we got a call for a showing in about 1 hour. I rushed home to help finish tidying up. 15 minutes after I got there, the realtor and potential buyers showed up 30 minutes early (!!!) wondering if it would be okay to come on in. I was mortified, telling them (as politely as possible) that they'd have to wait until we were done straightening up. SO embarassing! I was able to make eye contact with the buyers, and they seemed very pleasant. I'm horrified that the exchange had to happen between us today, but if it turns out they are the buyers, it won't matter!

We ran a couple of errands and then went back to Woodberry to wait for Matthew to come home from school on the bus. He was hot, tired, and very ornery. It wasn't a fun afternoon, for the most part. He has a hard time coping, more often than not. The end of the day couldn't come fast enough.

Jonathan was gracious enough to watch the kids while I did a workout video. Sometimes I get tired of waking up stiff every morning from all this training, but the post-baby/nursing weight is coming off slowly but surely, so I'll keep going.

After a hair-raising afternoon with the kids, it was nice to slide into bed and watch a lighthearted movie, Ocean's 11. We've already seen it before, but it's just so fun! I got a free copy of the DVD recently through my membership with Peerflix (an Amazon.com company). If you want to sign up, let me know and help me get some points for bringing in a new member! When I signed up I got this free DVD, so maybe they're still running that promotion...

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Today while wheeling Colson into the ZSR library to return some checked-out DVDs, a difficult thought crossed my mind... The move out of this house (if it ever sells, and I'm beginning to think it WON'T!) is going to be really hard. The next couple of moves will be very hard. Money will be SO scarce in the next few years. Job security is not assured. Arguments I've heard before in my mind, but somehow it seems more real, now that we're in it. I began to wonder if we haven't made the wrong decision. Not the wrong decision to sell the house-- that was inevitable. But the wrong decision to leave WFU and the secure job. I dunno. I guess it's too late to go back now. I just hope we don't ruin everything.

Quotes I ran into today:

"Be daring, be different, be impractical; be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginitive vision against the play-it-safers..." --Cecil Beaton

"It is not enough to take steps which may someday lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise." --Goethe

And finally, from a poorly written TV show called Windfall, which probably won't make it through the summer, one scene that really got me:

A man has just won the lottery and has bought some really neat toys for his children. He and his wife look on in joy and amazement.
“This is a dream come true for them,” says the wife.
The husband replies, “Well isn’t that the point of winning the lotto, making dreams come true?” He stops to think, then, “You know, I keep thinking that um… before we played we shoulda asked each other: If your wildest dream came true, would I be in it?”
The wife looks at him affectionately and says, “This is it. You’re in mine.”

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I have no plans to play the lottery, but I'm starting to wonder about this whole "Grand Scheme" thing. I'm not mistrusting God, but second-guessing every thought in my head. Like the lottery, it may have no payoff at all-- money and time wasted for nothing. We may end up back at square one with little to show for it and I dare not think of the positive possibilities.

But even if all of this is for nothing, I still have my dream come true. I have a wonderful husband to share my life with. He is my home and one of the best gifts I've ever been given. Regardless of whether this works out, I know I've already won. My dream has come true, and he's already in it.